School Refusal Tips for Parents

School Refusal Tips For Parents

Have a positive attitude:

• Believe that your child will get over the problem and let them know that you believe they can handle it.
• Be understanding and use reflective listening at times when you are not attempting to get compliance.  Don’t use shame, guilt, insults, sarcasm, or demeaning language.  Acknowledge that you know you are asking them to do something hard, but it is something they can do.
• The goal is not to eliminate anxiety but to help the child to manage it effectively.
• Expect setbacks and relapses, but continue to express clear expectations and encouragement.
• Don't avoid things or situations that make the child anxious.  Avoidance will make things better in the short run, but reinforces anxiety in the long run.

Improve communication skills:

• Don’t ask leading questions, questions like: “Are you anxious? Are you worried? Are you frightened?”
• Learn to issue parental commands.  Directives must be made with eye contact, simple, clear, specific expectations, clear rewards and consequences, and not in the form of a question.
• Respect your child’s feelings, but don’t empower them. The message should be: “I know you are scared. That’s OK. I will help you get through this.”
• Maintain contact and communication with the school.  Often when a child is experiencing emotional difficulty in school, there is a fear of visibly “losing control” in front of classmates.  One way to make the school day feel safer for your child is to ask the school to establish a safe place where s/he can go to calm down such as a school counselor/psychologist/social worker’s or nurse’s office.  

Consistency of consequences/rewards:

• Have every school day begin the same way. Develop a “morning routine” that is the same every day and don’t allow the child to vary from the routine. 
• Do not allow excessive questions or conversation from the child to change the morning routine or delay going to school.
• If you cannot get your child to school, make your house boring.  1st basic rule: The child should not be allowed to do anything during school hours that he/she would not be allowed to do at school (e.g. sleep in, play video games, watch TV, have access to cell phone etc.)  
• Reward the child for going to school (e.g. access to cell phone, extra electronics time, preferred activities after school).

Getting them out the door:

• Stay calm. If the child sees your anxiety, anger, frustration, or disappointment, you can make their anxiety worse.
• Start the night before by:
• Go over the morning routine
• Decide and lay out clothing (no changes)
• Set aside all equipment (shoes, backpacks, books, assignments) 
• Get the child to bed early enough that they will awake rested.

The morning of school:

• Monitor and insist that they are following the morning routine. If they can complete the routine ahead of schedule, the time is theirs to spend as they wish.
• Avoid “power struggles.”  If s/he is well enough to be up and around the house, then s/he is well enough to attend school.  Expect and insist on compliance. Very simply - it is compliance or consequences.
• Say “when” rather than “if” when talking about their school refusal (When you are at school today).
• Issue a parental directive rather than talk, explain, preach, or beg when attending school is immediate.
• Listen to your child and encourage them to talk about their fears at appropriate times, not when attempting to get them to attend school. “We can talk about that this evening.” 
• Praise and reinforce achieving the “morning routine.”
• Use direct statements when it is time to go to school. Don’t ask questions that give them the option of not going to school.  For example, “Do you think you can go to school today?”
• Learn to ignore statements and behaviors that indicate the child is contemplating or has decided not to attend school.
• Give the child as much control as possible (the illusion of control) but don’t give the child the decision making power about whether or not they are going to school. “Do you want to wear your red sweater or blue sweater to school?”  “Do you want to to buy your lunch or take your lunch to school today?”
• If you become emotional when requiring a child to attend have someone else, if possible, (other parent, relative, neighbor) take the child to school.  

Once they are school:

• Make sure that the child knows you will return at the end of the school day and that they are to stay at school.
• Leave quickly (don’t look back or hover).  Do not reinforce their distress by rescuing them from anxiety.
• For younger children, let the child have something of yours to keep in their pocket e.g. picture, jewelry, trinket, etc.
• No matter how bad it gets, let them experience the success of finishing the day.  Reinforce, reward, repeat.
• Celebrate their success with time in an enjoyable activity, favorite dinner, extra electronics time, etc.